You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
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