I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
