My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
