haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
