I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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