I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
