"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
