You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
