I wish I could teleport
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
