My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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