i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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