Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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