My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
