Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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