lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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