im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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