Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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