My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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