The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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