walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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