Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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