you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
