i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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