chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
