my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
