she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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