birth control should be required to get into college
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
