this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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