just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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