I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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