Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
