There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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