you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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