boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
