Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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