planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
No more Irish car bombs ever.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
