never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
