I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
