I puked a lego.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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