Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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