That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
