I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
