im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
