I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
bring money and cleavage
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
