if i can run in heels then i can drive
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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