Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
