Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
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