I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
