Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
