In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
