The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
