Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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