I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize