after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
