my soul wont recognize me after tonight
they need to just BURY HIM!
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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