You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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